Which Came First?

Dear Friends,

Do you remember the age-old question, "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?" (To me, it matters little, as long as we have fried chicken and omelets!) This question nicely illustrates a marriage situation: "Which came first, the neglect or the lack of affection?"

One spouse gets busy with work and focuses little on their spouse, and after a while, the lack of attention affects the conversation and intimate life. Or it could be the birth of a child and increased labor accompanying the care of children, and at bed time, the wife is simply worn out, without an ounce of energy remaining. If an outside job is added to the responsibility of children, a wife may be unlikely to have the emotional strength available for what her husband desires. Therefore, he works more hours, focuses his attention on other things, and she then begins to feel unloved and gains her satisfaction in children and friendships with other young mothers. He then starts spending time with perhaps the husbands of those same ladies — while sort of being together, sort of not. The snowball of neglect is now rolling and their two lives are slowly being pulled apart.

He may be a pastor, who is busy with people, ministry, and serving God. She may be a faithful wife at home, watching her husband run a late-night call, or investing focused attention on that needy teen or family. She sees herself missing that focus, time, and attention, and resentment starts to build, resulting in little submission, respect, and perhaps diminishing affection. He finds himself respected everywhere except at home. He notices everyone loves him, except his wife — never realizing that he started this whole series of events.

Another scenario: A wife was never very good at domestic duties; she had played sports, been the homecoming queen, and loved to help out at church. When the husband came home and found that the house was a wreck, he was unkind. He challenged her on duties at home, therefore she felt overwhelmed. He pressured her to get chores done that seemed so trivial to him. She escaped the pressure by getting a job, rearing her children, and filling any extra time with church activity. He felt totally ignored and thus worked more hours, succeeded at his profession, and everyone thought he was awesome, except for the one person that mattered the most — his wife.

The scenario is the same in business or in the ministry — as is the answer. God called us to be and do certain things.

Deuteronomy 30:17 “But if thine heart turn away, so that thou wilt not hear, but shalt be drawn away, and worship other gods, and serve them;”

vs. 18 “I denounce unto you this day, that ye shall surely perish, and that ye shall not prolong your days upon the land, whither thou passest over Jordan to go to possess it.”

vs. 19 “I call heaven and earth to record this day against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing: therefore choose life, that both thou and thy seed may live:”

vs. 20 “That thou mayest love the LORD thy God, and that thou mayest obey his voice, and that thou mayest cleave unto him: for he is thy life, and the length of thy days: that thou mayest dwell in the land which the LORD sware unto thy fathers, to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob, to give them.”

If we turn away from the instructions God told us to follow, we will suffer the consequences. Draw near to God, obey the rules of life He has set up, and He will bless you. Loving God includes honoring His commands: such as "dwell with your wife,” or "honor your husband,” or "defraud ye not." It does not matter who started the problem — the chicken or the egg —following God’s recipe is necessary if we hope to be blessed over the long haul in life.

I know godly people who go through the same marriage trouble as the unsaved, yet they blame their problems on their Fundamental Baptist background. They forsake their spiritual training and head off to some contemporary church and think it will solve their trouble. If they begin to focus on each other and through the change begin to implement the principles God lays out for married couples, perhaps the change will help — but the issue is always Bible obedience, not the fact that we are members of a Fundamental Baptist church.

One lady blames the ministry for coming between her husband and herself. She draws away and basically threatens to forsake their marriage unless he gets out of the ministry. So the light turns on, he realizes he has been too busy and now, out of the ministry, he begins trying to help his wife and provide a secure environment for her. She thinks it was the ministry, but it was really the same trouble the unsaved business man has — neglect of the marriage principles God has established. In a failed marriage scenario, both people find someone who, likewise, has been hurt. A second marriage takes place, and the husband and wife both find themselves basically out of the ministry and maybe out of church. Both now hate the loss and hurt and focus on their homes. Marriage is better. The old religion is blamed for tearing apart their home, when in reality, it was a lack of Bible obedience that did the tearing.

What part of Psalm 1 and Joshua 1 do we not understand?

Read what God promised Israel, and understand that the promises of God are available.

Deuteronomy 30:19 “I call heaven and earth to record this day against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing: therefore choose life, that both thou and thy seed may live:”

vs. 20 “That thou mayest love the LORD thy God, and that thou mayest obey his voice, and that thou mayest cleave unto him: for he is thy life, and the length of thy days: that thou mayest dwell in the land which the LORD sware unto thy fathers, to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob, to give them.”

When we choose to love, obey, and meditate upon the Scriptures, we enter into a covenent with God — He promised to bless us! This covenant is not like one’s athletic ability and another’s artistic touch, this is simply fact. A fact for all. God desires to bless His people, but we neglect His Word and His work — causing our own failure.

Pastor